On the last day of 2022, I received the news that my grandma had passed.
When I left on this long trip abroad, I knew I would miss out on many moments, the good and the bad. But, I guess I just didn't know that it would happen so soon and that when it happened, it would feel like a ton of bricks. So, I'm here to share what it's been like.
In short, grieving a loved one who passed while being away is a deeply difficult and isolating experience. It has been hard to come to terms with the fact that I was not there to say goodbye, and I have, undoubtedly, felt a sense of regret that I was not able to be with my grandma in her final moments. I have to keep reminding myself that, even if I wanted to be there, I probably would have missed the opportunity to say goodbye because I was simply too far away.
I feel torn between two places almost daily. Being on the other side of the world from family has created a sense of displacement and disconnection. In my experience, I have felt like I am not fully present in either location. I feel like I'm not where I should be, and I am missing out on important moments and rituals at home. I have felt unable to properly cope because nothing feels familiar. Simultaneously, I am pulled to continue experiencing life where I am. This is a "trip of a lifetime", and, well, death makes you realize how little time you have. It has been hard to balance the need to process and share my grief with the pressure to present a "normal" face to the world.
Another challenge I've been experiencing is the lack of support and the physical presence of loved ones. Don't get me wrong - the people I am traveling with are supportive, and I'd be offered many a shoulder if I said I needed one. But, when a loved one passes, it's family you rely on for comfort and support. Though it's been helpful to reach out to friends and loved ones, what I really need is a familiar hug, and this is something I just have to accept isn't possible right now. I still have not come to terms with this distance and long for something familiar as I continue to grieve. And, even though I know I can rely on people from afar, truthfully, time differences have made it difficult to communicate with family and friends, adding to feelings of isolation.
Despite these difficulties, I have worked hard to give myself the time and space to grieve. I spent my entire last week in Bali, the week after finding out, isolating myself, and trying to find ways to cope. Some things that have helped have been listening to music that reminds me of my grandma, going to the beach to contemplate, writing her letters, painting pictures for her, and singing songs she would have loved. The thing that has helped the most is watching a video of my grandma reading a story aloud.
The waves of feeling ok and feeling melancholy continue. I have been reminding myself that it is important to be kind to yourself and to take things one day at a time. I have embraced that it is easier to seek ways to integrate your surroundings into your grieving process, instead of displacing yourself. It still feels hard some days, but I continue to seek support and give myself the time and space I need to process my grief.
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